How to Holder- Explorations of the Expanding House of Holder: More bed rest, Christmas 2015, and a baby!

Nanna and Aunt Miranda!

Daddy upholstered the bench. Merry Christmas, Mommy:)

Bed rest was really putting a damper on things, but the kids were excited for Christmas time:) I bought a bunch of Christmas books and we had a lot of fun reading those and this was the first year that Sean had to put together the tree, since I've always done that and we would always decorate together. Sometimes there were perks to being on bedrest;)

A lot of Sean's family came in town, which was awesome! The kids loved hanging out with their aunts and uncles and nanna.

It was still a pretty difficult time for all of us, with the baby's welfare just always hanging over our heads, not knowing if she would be alright. The following is adapted from several journal entries:

"All that I could do was to give my best efforts (which often meant laying down on the couch) and trust that it would all work out in the end. Either God would provide me and my children with help or He wouldn’t. And either way, He would allow that to work for our long-term good. I spent essentially 15 weeks with a messy house. I wasn’t able to cook healthy food like I normally would. My kids didn’t get to go out and have experiences that would have helped them be happier and to develop better. Sean and I were stressed to the max and very dejected and had nothing left to give outside of our family. However, I know that Heavenly Father was indeed watching over us. He was very aware of our situation. In fact, I think it most likely that He created the situation. But, we’ve all learned a lot. Even the kids. I can guarantee you that they’ll appreciate getting out of the house and spending quality time with mommy more than they would have before. I’ve obviously learned a lot and am enjoying regaining freedom as I recover from the birth. Freedom from stress, freedom to go outside, and so on.

It was so stressful each week as I would check the fetal viability statistics. Getting to certain markers meant I could be a little less stressed, but it was still awful. 34 weeks seemed to be a good marker, so when we made it that far, it was so good.

Over Christmas, however, I had to go to the hospital, which, in hindsight was actually a tender mercy. At a Dr.’s appointment a few days after Christmas Dr. Harrison was not happy with my progression and sent me to the hospital. It was very scary. My parents took the kids so Sean was able to be with me, which was nice because I was definitely freaking out. They did all sorts of tests and gave me a series of steroid shots to help her lungs develop in case she was delivered preterm- (which she wound up being 4 weeks early). I wasn't sure if I was going to leave the hospital pregnant or not, and if not with a baby to take home or not. She was weighing in at 5.5 pounds, from what they could tell on the ultrasound, which is about how much a baby two weeks ahead would weigh, so that was encouraging. I was able to get released, but spent the next few weeks even more paranoid than I was before.

For a few days before Lily was born I was having contractions fairly regularly, and they were becoming more frequent and more intense. Not fun! I had a Dr.’s appointment Tuesday morning- Dr. Harrison had been wanting me to come in weekly for a while by this point. I had started monitoring and recording when I was having contractions and they were often 20 minutes apart, but not every time. She said everything looked fine and that I was still just 1 cm like the week before.

The rest of the day they were still fairly regular, and growing more regular, about 20 minutes apart. I texted Sean at 4:06- “Just an FYI- I had 6 contractions in one hour. I’m not going to call anyone yet but I’m definitely monitoring the situation.” He said, “K! I have a call at 5:15. So, I’m staying for now, but let me know if it changes.” Me: “Ok.” And then I started freaking out and literally made myself sick. Sean’s dad, John, was actually at the house by this point- he was downstairs in the basement painting. (Nice of him to offer to paint our basement for us!) Still, I was worried that I was going to have a precipitous labor (thanks, Damian!) and was freaking out about all of the possible bad scenarios.

I texted Sean again at 5:36, “They’re still keeping up and sometimes closer so it’d probably be a good call to come home sooner rather than later.” Code for: I’m freaking out that this baby is probably on its way- come now!”

I made some dinner for me, the kids, and John. John went back down to work. Sean got home, maybe around 6:30 or a little after. He went down and was talking with his dad. John came up and chatted for a bit before he was about to head out. I had called my dr to see what she thought about the contractions being closer together- maybe 15 minutes apart- and she said that she had to tell me to come in. I decided to wait, since it didn’t seem like she really thought I should, just that it was a liability kind of thing. About 20 minutes after I had called her, when Sean and John were in the basement, John had come up to head home. We were all chatting for a minute and I said, “Sean, I think we need to go to the hospital. Now.” “Why do you think so?” “Because my water just broke.” I was sure of it and I became more and more sure. I called my Dr. to tell her we were for sure on our way. Sean ran around packing up his stuff (my go bag had been ready for a while, haha). I asked John if it was ok if he stayed the night to watch the kids- they were already in bed. He just laughed at me, like ‘duh.’

Luckily (aka ‘tender mercily’) there was no traffic and Sean was able to basically do 80 on the freeway to the hospital. He dropped me off, went to park, and I checked in (stupidest thing ever, the “I’m in labor- here’s my insurance card” check in crud- even if you’ve pre-registered!). I explained that I had previously had a precipitous labor and they did what they could to speed it up, which meant they checked me into a (very tiny) triage room, which was the first available room. It was small. My doctor checked me and I was still only 1 cm. Part of me was wondering if I was going to get sent home, but I think I knew that because my water had broken that that wasn’t going to happen. The contractions were getting more regular.

It’s kind of funny doing this (labor, haha) so many times now. I was surprised at how much I had forgotten, and yet how much I remembered and how I was more sure of myself, even if no less nervous for the baby. I forgot about the colored bands they wrap around my belly to keep track of the baby’s vitals and my contractions. I forgot about how much water comes leaking out of you (although I probably had more with this one than the others since they had to at one point start putting water into the womb to help the baby have less stress). The triage nurses were helpful, but I was very relieved when I was finally moved to the labor and delivery room. Much bigger, less claustrophobic, and they really knew what to do.

My doctor eventually left the hospital and eventually came back. I just wasn’t progressing. I told Sean it was fine if he wanted to do work stuff. I wasn’t good for much- with the contractions and all. Eventually I requested an epidural. I guess I asked for one right ahead of a bunch of other women so the Dr was in a hurry. Such a strange feeling. A pinch, uncontrollable shaking, coldness. And it’s done. Much less scary the second time around (didn’t get one with Damian!).

I labored until about 3 in the morning-and then the baby’s heart rate started to fall when I had a contraction. Dr. Harrison was alerted and she told me that if things didn’t change that she was going to do a c-section in half an hour. I freaked out. With how bad the pregnancy was combined with a c-section I was telling Sean that this could be our last kid- I wanted more kids but at some point I need to worry about my health and safety. A c-section would almost seal the deal that this would be the last. I didn’t want a c-section for lots of other reasons. All of this compounded with this baby who had been having so much trouble for months and months now, who was now still having trouble. It was pretty overwhelming. As soon as the nurse and dr left, I immediately asked Sean for a blessing. Heavenly Father promised that I wouldn’t need a c-section, that it would work out and the baby would be born and would be healthy. Honestly, this was incredibly difficult to believe. But, I just put it in God’s hands- you say it will work out- I don’t see how- but, you say it will, so it will work out. I’m still scared, but I’m going to let it happen how it will. They put me on oxygen, which seemed to help. But, half an hour passed with the baby not being worse off and even a little improved. Another half hour, and another. It seemed that we had escaped the c-section, by the will and grace of God.

Also, I had called my parents on the ride in to the hospital. I knew they were teaching institute so I left a voicemail. My mom called back around 9 asking if they should come. I told her they could probably go home because I was still only at 1 and nothing was really progressing. She said to call whenever about whatever, haha. So, immediately after receiving the blessing from Sean, I called my mom and asked for her and dad to pray for me. It’s amazing and miraculous to me how I just knew that there could be tangible results from the power of their prayers. I NEEDED that special power from them, particularly from her. Very special and tender that I have that gift to rely on.

A few hours later they eventually took me off of pitocin and had me lay down. Around 10 in the morning (yes, after a night of no sleep!) they put me on pitocin again. After only a few minutes I had a series of some fairly intense contractions, maybe only three or four. After the last one, I felt the baby sort of jolt down. I knew she was in the birth canal, coming. I told Sean, “Go get someone! Now, go get a Dr. Tell them the baby is coming.” Sean honestly seemed a little panicked and uncertain, like, am I allowed to go in the hallway to find them? He came back after a few seconds and said there were no nurses at the desk. I was, probably, yelling at him “Go find someone, now!” He finally tracked down our nurse and I could tell she totally did not believe me. “Well, let me just check you.” She checked. High pitched, “Ok!” See, I told you! “The head is in the birth canal. Let’s turn the pitocin off and get a dr.” She seemed a bit freaked out as I kept asking “is Dr. Harrison on her way- she’s going to be so mad at me if she misses this one, too!” I asked if there was a dr, any dr. on the way , and the nurse told me a vague answer of well, there are lots of drs here and I said we needed one soon. Luckily Dr. Harrison was less than 10 minutes away, because she really only had time to scrub up and then started guiding me with pushing.

Perfect. Just perfect.

I remember feeling shocked and a little guilty at how little pain there was and how easy it was (especially compared to the I-would-prefer-death pain from Damian’s labor). I was sort of in this transcendent state that was really beautiful. I was confident and knew everything would be ok. Sean was there, holding my hand. And we had made it to an actual room in the hospital. I felt that the room was full of angels, and I don’t mean the NICU staff or the labor nurses or Dr. Harrison. There was a small crowd of souls there and I could feel their excitement. I felt a presence guiding me through the pushes. Dr. Harrison would tell me to push, push, and got a little frantic at one point (Sean told me the baby’s heart rate was falling a bit), but I just felt calm and followed the inspiration as it came, when to push and how. And then, in a beautiful moment she was here. This beautiful baby that I had sacrificed so much for and worked so hard for. I was surprised at how big she was and how perfect- a whole entire month early and so beautiful, so perfect, I kept saying it out loud and thinking it, just amazed. They let me hold her for not even a minute and then they took her away to the NICU team in the far corner of the room. I kept telling Dr. Harrison and the nurses, she’s so perfect, so big, so beautiful! I watched as Sean took pictures of the baby while they examined her. His face as she’s born- so amazing. A look of awe, amazement, and respect for the sacredness of this new life and it’s arrival.

And then came the difficulty of being patient. My baby should be with me, but instead, they have her. I know they need to make sure she’s ok, but its so hard to not just start shouting at them to give me back my baby. After about 30 minutes I get to hold her for a minute. But, then I see Sean, starved, and know I need to give him his first chance to hold the baby before they take her away for monitoring. Her breathing was a bit off, but when he holds her, she is fine. She is perfect. They are perfect together, father and daughter. Mine. My people together. And then they take her again, but this time away. Sean, of course, goes with her to protect her.

I call my mom and tell her the news. She and grandma were able to come up within a few hours with lunch for us, which is good because they didn’t give me enough food to eat at that place. So, I wolfed down a second lunch of Chinese. Sean came for a little bit to eat. We got an actual birth weight, 6 lb 3 oz. It took them forever to process her through the waiting area. Mom and Grandma were able to go see her while she was in the nursery. I was going insane, basically, at this point. A lot of internal instinctive mama bear rage of just wanting to hold her. We finally got her back around 5. So in the first 7 hours of her life I had only held her for fewer than 5 minutes- that was awful! But, I was so glad that she was ok and I knew that the hospital people were just doing their best to do the best for the baby.

Both exhausted

When she finally was brought in I was so happy! Just holding and cuddling, just amazed at this baby. Because our family was taking care of Jennifer and Damian Sean was able to stay the two nights in the hospital with me. We just sort of survived through it- watched a movie or two, cuddled the baby. Sean brought me food to supplement the hospital food and changed most of the diapers. We had a hard time with the name. We really liked Lily, but we weren’t sure about it. And we really weren’t sure on a middle name. Sean suggested Marie as a middle name, which we hadn’t even talked about before and it felt right. I was really honored and it felt really special since that’s my middle name.

Checking out of the hospital before the storm

Meeting the baby

We were worried about making it home before a possible snow/ice storm was set to hit. She passed all her tests and mom and dad agreed to drop the kids off at our house. Jennifer and Damian both seemed pretty excited to meet Lily:)

It was amazing to give birth a month early and leave on a normal time table. I was so happy, so relieved to not be on bed rest. We were on top of the world. Plus, Sean would get a whole month of paternity leave (which we would wind up using to finish the basement, buy exercise equipment, a TV, and watch 7 or the 8 Harry Potter movies- yay us!). We even went out as a family for the first time to celebrate my 27th birthday- I (along with LIly) bought a bunch of stuff from Ann Taylor loft- I had some rewards cards from using their store card- while Sean took Jennifer and Damian to the bookstore. We met up and went to eat at Ted’s Montana grill. I can’t get enough of the green jalapeno burger, haha, and then browsed trader joe’s for goodies. Sean and I were so happy to just spend time together as a family and transition to having three kids. Life is just really, really good now!"

And more pictures of the other things we'd been up to:)